Don't Judge Me!

"We've all been there: 

someone decides that your business is their business... 

and that the way you're handling your business is all wrong! 

And then they say things..."

Dayna:

"One morning, I dropped the kids off at school (like I always do) and one of the teachers -seeing 3 kids exit and 2 staying in car seats- asked, "Are they all yours?"

Like I went and picked up 4 extra kids at 7:30 in the morning just for funsies!

By the time I picked them up, I had a decal on that side of my car that says, 'Yes, they're all ours!'

Petty? Maybe. 

Genius? Definitely.

When Beckie started homeschooling, she got these comments and questions:

"Homeschooling will make them weird!"

"They won't learn social skills."

"You're going to go crazy!"

"You'll end up sending them right back!"

"Homeschoolers suffer in math and science."

Or even the ever-so sneaky, seemingly encouraging, but really calling you crazy:

 "I could never homeschool. I don't know how you do it!"

It was as if everyone was reading from the same script! The questions kept cycling, repeating, often with the same exact wording.

Personally, I think that when we encounter something we don't see often, we get flustered and revert to questions and statements we have heard before. Like how at a funeral, people always say, "I'm sorry for your loss," or "It was their time" or "They're with God now." (Those last two in Dayna's opinion are gringe-worthy 😬)

Or how when people see you with more than one child, you get the: "Boy, you sure got your hands full!" or "You know what causes that, right?" or "Do you own a TV?"

I like to tell myself that no one is intending the insults that lurk below the surface (or right out in the open!) in all these statements. I think they are at a loss for words and simply say the first thing that pops into their mind.

And we've all been there: someone decides that your business is their business... and that the way you're handling your business is all wrong! And then they say things...

Maybe it was whether you breastfed or bottle-fed. Maybe it was how and where you let your babies sleep. Maybe it was what you cooked, whether you cooked, or how clean you keep your house.

And maybe now, it's whether you'll 

send your kids to school, 

choose the virtual learning path, 

or make the leap to homeschooling. 

So as we all embark on this crazy, upside-down, confusing, and frustrating year, let's bear in mind two very important things:

1. We are each in charge of our own family. Though many may be invested in the future of your kids, YOU are the only one who gets to make decisions.

2. Judgment sucks! When I think about the times I received judgment, it didn't make me want to do whatever the judge wanted. Quite the opposite.

As we all face the impossible decision of our children's education this fall, no choice is going to be THE choice for everyone. No choice will be perfect for even one family! And we have so many emotions already boiling in the pot, we do not need to add judgment to the soup.

Maybe what we need to do is come up with new rehearsed questions. Questions that do not mask judgment. Questions that are aimed at a deeper understanding. Questions that will form deeper bonds of support and friendship.

And just imagine it! What if we got together and the conversation looked like this (whether you're the parent in this case or the trying-not-to-be-judgmental friend):

Parent: I think I'm going to have to send the kids back to school this fall. I think they need to see their peers and have a sense of normalcy. And I need to go to work.
Friend: I completely understand. It must have been difficult to make that choice.  How do you feel about your decision? What do you need to make that happen?

OR:

Parent: You know, I just don't feel safe sending my kids to school this fall and I really need to make sure we don't bring a virus home to grandma, grandpa, or another family member. I think we will try the distance learning again.
Friend: That's great that teachers and schools are offering the option. More power to you! What help do you need?

OR:

Parent: We really didn't enjoy distance learning and I don't feel safe sending my kids to school. I think we're going to try homeschooling.
Friend: That must have been difficult to make that decision. I'm sure you will be great. How can I help? Are the kids excited?

OR:

Friend 1: Did you hear so-and-so is going to -insert school decision here- their kids this year???

You: That must have been a really hard decision for them. -the end. stop talking-

OR:

The ever-popular question, that is right for just about any occasion:

"What's your favorite wine?"